This was once a hopeful wishlist, until I had to let it go.

(On The Beach at Night Alone)

I spent a lot of time on social media, bookmarking all the things that inspired me to spend my weekends with you. If only I had known then that my wishlist was nothing but a curse, I would have probably stopped doing it. But now that we have both returned to being strangers, let me set this wishlist free to the world.

I wish that we could go to a sunflower field together in the evening, wearing cute couple shirts and taking a lot of selfies.

I wish we could stroll at night, trying to find a food stall to fill our empty stomachs, then have a deep conversation on the terrace.

I wish we could take a train to visit a nearby town, just so we could visit more museums because we had already been to all the museums in Jakarta.

I wish we could watch a movie together, cuddling on a cozy couch while our bodies are wrapped in a warm blanket.

I wish I could visit your house, with my hands full of souvenirs and local food, while I greet your mom.

I wish we could go to my hometown, so I could show you the village that raised me and the people who are dear to me.

I wish to be caught in the rain with you, both of us still outside, needing to take shelter somewhere, with our hands starting to get cold.

I wish to share an umbrella with you as we walk together in the rain toward a convenience store, just to buy a snack.

I wish to wait for you at the finish line while you do your usual marathon, then take pictures of you to celebrate once you make it.

I wish we could take your little sister somewhere and have fun together—I wonder if you know how much I want to meet your family.

I wish to visit your hometown and see all your favorite places, so I can learn more about you and your birthplace.

I wish to have another dinner with you; seeing you after a tiring day would make everything brighter.

I wish you could accompany me shopping, watching me try on many shirts and pants, and helping me choose which one fits me the best.

I wish to send you a birthday cake and give you a kiss on the cheek after you blow out the candles.

I wish we could try a photo booth and take many lovely pictures so we can print them out and put them in each of our wallets.

I wish for us to get sun-kissed at the beach, our bodies wet from the seawater, and getting annoyed because the sand itches our skin.

I wish to bring a colorful bouquet to your graduation and take a picture with you on that special day.

I wish to lie beside you while we're both on our phones, then cuddle and give quick pecks every time we get the chance.

I wish for you to take me somewhere unexpected, then propose to me—

Let’s stop here. When it comes to you, I have way too many wishes. In short, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, experiencing all the memorable moments and the mundane things. I’m sorry that I put so much expectation into our relationship. I wanted us to thrive; I wanted it to be you who stayed with me until the end. I forgot to ask whether you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. I just ran with the assumption that you wanted the same things as me.

I guess you are right—I won’t change, will I? I will keep wishing to meet you, to at least see your face. I never knew this was suffocating you. I apologize deeply.

This was my wishlist for when we were together. Thank you for once letting me dream.