I pray that one day, when I see you with her, all that fills me is love.
"What will you do if you find out he has a new girlfriend?"
The question itself is nothing new, but it never fails to catch me off guard.
And so, what happened was, I got stunned. I never prepared myself to answer the question truthfully while also preserving my dignity at the same time.
My answer ended up being, "I don't know, it hasn't happened yet. It's my first time."
Seriously, what did all these broken-hearted girls or women do when they found out their beloved ex had moved on with someone new? How did they cope with it?
The answers may vary. And yet, I had to go deeper within myself and explore other people's experiences to find what suits me best.
Well, I haven't experienced it yet, but sooner or later, I have to be prepared. Yes, but what kind of preparation?
"Well, first, you have to move on and accept reality with ikhlas. Be indifferent," said one friend.
But ikhlas doesn’t mean the absence of emotions or feelings.
It is simply accepting reality as it is, then releasing all negativity.
This is what makes ikhlas so hard—because releasing negative emotions or feelings requires a bigger heart.
A heart that is strong yet soft. A heart that has been tested many times and remains steady. A heart that has been broken countless times yet is still capable of love.
What I believe is that ikhlas is not something instant, like the blink of an eye. It’s a chain of experiences that take you through pain until you finally reach peace—ikhlas.
It wouldn’t have meaning if it came easily. You have to go through something to get there.
I may not have reached that state of mind or heart yet. I am still in the phase of enduring all the pain.
But if one day I ever find out that someone I love has found a new love, I pray to God that I don’t feel pain, anger, or insecurity.
May I only feel love at that time. Love for both him and her. Yes, love—a different shape of love. Because I know indifference is something almost fictional, especially when it comes to my first love. But once my heart feels nothing but love, I know for sure I won’t feel negativity anymore. And perhaps, that is when I will finally reach ikhlas.
May I love him, in any condition—even in the arms of someone else—with a new shape of love in my heart.
Amen.
***
Hi everyone,
I’ve been releasing some entries after what was supposed to be my last. I still feel conflicted about the thought of stopping when my profile is growing. But as you know from my bio, I don’t write as a hobby or passion, and I’m far from being a professional writer. I write to pour out everything that burdens my chest, so I can breathe easier.
The thing about me is—I don’t write when I’m happy. I do other things to embrace those colorful emotions.
So, if I’m still releasing entries here, it means something is suffocating me, and I need to release it as soon as possible.
Therefore, my darlings, I hope I never have to write anything here again.
May I feel all kinds of emotions, but never the ones that lead me back here.
***
Perhaps another entry, and I shall be gone.
